look at me go.... how many times in the past week? en fuego. i'm drinking...again (three nights straight, uncharacteristic). so. i gotta get something off my chest. since last fall, i've felt like total CRAP. i remember going out to gorge & having a good time. i remember going to farm aid & enjoying myself. basically, from that point on, shit been fucked. now i'm tired of it. if i don't do anything else in the coming days/weeks, i gotta figure out what's keeping this funk going. i'm not even sure if anyone on the outside can tell (i think it's really noticeable, but from in here, i certainly can't say what really is). i may be on to something if you just bear with me & let me get this out.... i can specify an event that seriously damaged me.
it must've been oct 2.... i remember watching the 11 o'clock news (after work, maybe). i can't even recall if it was the lead story, but they reported on a man who was shot outside the shopper's food warehouse in glenmont. this is in between where i work & where i live, although i take another route home. they didn't have many details of the murder...it was news but didn't set off any alarms. a shooting. wow. (for those who don't know, mont. co., where i live, is fairly affluent. glenmont is one of the less glamorous spots, but shootings are def. not as frequent as in dc.) i went to bed just like any other night. the next day, thursday, i didn't have to be anywhere til 12:30 (class in college park). when i woke up (who knows when exactly...but sometime after 8), i turned on the tv & found breaking news coverage. there had been 3 or 4 more shootings in mont. co. that morning. things started getting scary. they were reporting from the scene of one of the shootings.... there's a mobil station in aspen hill that i pass every time i go to work. some cab driver who was pumping gas at that gas station was shot. i quickly learned about the other shootings, one of which occurred a couple miles down the street from me, in shopping center i also drive past regularly. it was obvious i wasn't gonna go anywhere. charlie was home, sleeping. i know he had to go meet up w/ his p.o. that day...so he was waking up (don't think i woke him)....and i told him to turn on his tv. we both were flippin somewhat, but he had business to take care of.... i chose i was best at home. glued to the tv, shaking, sad, confused...the phone rings. one of charlie's best friends, drew, is at work and learning about what's happening. we're both totally wigged. then drew starts in on something i'll never forget.... he's like, "yeah, do you know what's going on??? i just found out that my dad was shot. i'm not sure what happened.... he drives a cab...." at that point, my legs just about gave out from under me. i KNEW that cab driver was dead. i KNEW that cab driver was drew's dad. before i could even say anything else, he rushed off the phone to figure it all out. minutes later, drew's cousin jesmond (another of charlie's best friends) called from vacation in north carolina. he had heard about the mess, too. i think he had even spoken to drew at some pt prior & was trying to get me to fill him on EVERYTHING they were saying here. it came out in bits & pieces, but i basically told him that drew's dad had been shot...and that the cab driver shot in aspen hill was reported dead. i've never heard jesmond so quiet. as we hung up, i was overwhelmed with the most disturbing, sick feeling. i knew drew's father had been murdered...there, pumping gas...right there. i called charlie...and i told him about it..... from that point on, i don't know what happened.
let me just say that drew has pulled through with & for his family. the man is strong & completely honorable. i don't know how he's kept himself so together. in the days & weeks & months that've passed, i couldn't even say a word to him about it. to this day, i haven't breached the subject. almost a year later, a lot of things seem back to normal. but i haven't dealt with and talked about his like charlie & drew & jesmond & all of them. it's basically been festering. imagine having major difficulties dragging yourself out of bed the next day... for a whole fucking year. it's not a pleasant existence. now, why can't i let myself get past this?
posted by heather at 1:05 AM 
